As this divorce happens, I am finding that I am so sad. I am not sad to lose my husband. I know that sounds awful, but it’s not really about him. I mean it means I am all sorts of delusional, and I am going to share this with you… but it’s something else.
I am mourning the loss of the reward that we worked SO hard to build. The things that we have worked for.
I am having to come to the realization that the only way I was ever going to have it was for me to force it. I was going to have to fight tooth and nail to get a sliver of the life I want. And the thing is, I think the life I want might just fall into my lap because I’ve already put in all the work from it, he was just actively blocking it from happening.
I don’t really think that’s his fault though. He is allowed to want different things than me. I mean, there’s a lot that is his fault, but us growing into two different people who want things that are completely unalike in every way just isn’t going to work for either of us.
Why am I thinking about this? Well, my (almost)ex-husband is still living with me. He refuses to compromise on anything at any point, and I just dread the moment when he walks through the door at the end of the day. I’ve been trying to figure out how to move on, but it’s so hard when you see this person every single day and it just makes you sad.
But the life I want, the one I was fighting for every single day when he just wanted to become a world of warcraft world first raider, the life where instead of being committed entirely to the gear on our paladin, we were committed to seeing new things and having adventures and growing as people together– that life isn’t going to happen in this marriage and I now understand that.
I don’t know what that looks like, and honestly, maybe he still goes out there and gets exactly the life I want, just with a completely different person. Who knows? I just know that I have to stop letting him push the buttons. I have to move past the hurt.
And I don’t know how to do that when he comes home every night. It’s weird, when I wanted him to stay, when I would beg, it was the most impossible thing. But now that I want him to leave, I realize he was never going away and it was all just a ploy to control me.
So, no this isn’t about losing my marriage. I mean, yeah it is, but the real pain… the real hurt… it’s about losing this little life I jenga’d together so meticulously. I think I just have to understand that the jenga tower can still stand if you pull a few pieces out.
