My whole life is full of court, protection orders, domestic violence advocates, lawyers, police officers, judges, and just so much.
Why couldn’t he just leave? I begged him to. For so long. Just go. Just take anything you want and go. Please.
Why did he have to do this?
I’m already too tired for this and it’s only just begun. I’ve been trying to do one hard thing a day but there are so many hard things to be done.
Breaking cycles is really hard. Being strong is hard when you’re absolutely sure you’re weak, but somehow I just keep waking up every single day.
Do I have a plan? No. The only real plan I have right now is to make it through the day. And do one hard thing.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to do two.
Yesterday I tried on my necklace. I started sweating as soon as it clasped. This feels so silly, because it’s such a visceral psychological response, and when you can’t beat what’s in your head— well, I don’t know how to feel about that.
A lot of my life is that way right now. Maybe I can stay out of my head. Maybe I can just stop listening to the quiet.
But the quiet is where the healing is. I so need the healing.
Am I healing right now and I don’t realize it yet? I’m so impatient. I want this to be done.
Why didn’t he just leave. Disappear. Never to be seen again.
The thing is, I know it’s beat he didn’t. He was going to do this to the next girl.
I have to be strong. I have to stop this. Even if it’s too much.
